05/06/24
Self Portrait #4 - The Shadow who smiles because he gets the joke
There were two periods in my life:
Before and after Dianne.
Before Dianne, I was full of myself.
After Dianne, I emptied myself.
Before Dianne, I was darkness.
After Dianne, I was light.
I entered the third period in my life last weekend:
both light and darkness.
I am the shadow who smiles because he gets the joke.
He gets that he’s both light and darkness.
And because of that I have a big fucking smile. Anyone in my life knows this.
I am always fucking smiling. No matter the odds. No matter the situation.
People always want to wipe my smile out of my face.
It’s not funny, they say. It’s serious, they say.
I remember getting in trouble as a kid for always smiling.
Teachers hated me. I frequently got sent out of class because I had a resting smiling face.
Later in life, my bosses & colleagues would get angry at me for smiling.
I smiled when we got challenging news.
I smiled when trouble arrived.
I smile when things blow up and I have to start over.
I smile when I have to work my way up from the bottom again.
I smile while running straight into the fire. I still do.
This is serious, Jig. What’s so funny?
I couldn’t express it in words at the time, I just had the urge to smile.
But now I know why It’s funny: I get the joke.
It’s a big fucking joke and I’m in on it. I love it.
I love the challenge. I love the fight. I love learning. I love evolving.
I love the unforeseen dangers.
I love the waves crashing into me.
I love dancing in the storm. I am the storm.
I love the futility of it all.
The people I love see the kindness when I smile. They see the light.
The friends and the haters see the ego in my smile. They see the fucking devil.
My friends (Myles & Martin) who I hadn’t truly seen for years asked Dianne what she loved about me.
Her reply: Zero ego.
They laughed. They didn’t believe it. They couldn’t.
I was confused. Don’t they see it? Don’t they see that I’ve changed? That I’ve evolved?
I was trying so hard to be light. To stay as light.
At this point in my life, Dianne and I were already engaged and happy together.
At that point, I’ve been light for years now.
I truly believed that I had become a guy who had zero ego.
In all things I did. I destroyed the ego.
I embraced the love. I loved everyone I encountered.
I served wholeheartedly. I learned from everyone and anything.
I vanquished the demons. They slept well.
I was proud that I was light - kind and loving.
Always willing to learn. Humble enough to serve.
I spoke softly. I listened. I was stoic. I ignored.
I paced myself. I paced my team. I was gentle.
I avoided trouble.
I lied to myself that it was a marathon, not a sprint.
But my friends know. They know the demon.
They know I speak fast and garbled. They know I move fast.
They know I don’t listen. They know I’m loud.
They know I act with urgency. They know I push hard.
They know I am the trouble. They know I’m unrelenting.
They know the crazy guy who believes in himself, his team, and his vision.
They see my smile and they see the devil. They know the darkness.
Today I am both. I’ve embraced the darkness. I’m in full control now.
No more running away from my shadow. No more shame in my darkness.
I am both zero ego AND unlimited ego at the same time.
At the same fucking time.
I live in the extremes. In the extreme duality.
The mids will never understand. That’s why they’re average.
They can’t live in the duality. They can’t handle it.
They can’t handle the intensity. The pressure of every second to maintain both.
I am both. I love that I’m both.
I am unlimited ego in creation and conquest.
I am unlimited ego in vision.
I fully believe in myself, Dianne, my family, my team, my friends, and my vision.
I believe that we can pull off the impossible no matter the odds. No matter the situation.
I am zero ego with people I love and care about.
I am zero ego with learning and serving.
I will outlove and outkind everyone.
I will outserve and outlearn.
Because I choose to. Because it makes me smile.
Thank you, Myles & Martin for reminding me.
Thank you for seeing the power in my smile.
Thank you to Dandan, David, Donald, Luis, Casper, Niko for helping me by knowing my demons.
For never letting me forget who I was.
Thank you to all my friends for seeing the demons in me.
Thank you for knowing my shadow.
I’m back from the light. And it’s beautiful.
:)
P.S
Normal people will never understand that I simply woke up and decided to use my full power to play the game again.
No external triggers. I simply willed it. I summoned my old self and evolved over a weekend. Sober and with love.