A love letter to my wife by Jig Young 05/04/24 5:40am.
It’s hard to put into words that Dianne and I are forever one. Two people. 1 shadow.
I can’t do her justice. The words fail me. I often default to say I love “everything” when she asks me what I love the most about her. I’ve never not said “everything” for 8 years now. Because I do love everything.
These paintings certainly can’t capture her essence. I just got started making art again. It doesn’t do her justice. It’s day 1. But I’ll try.
I will try to answer her question again about what I love most about her but will fail because it’s impossible to put into words even if I write for the rest of my life. I’ll try anyway. Because she deserves the attempt. The trying.
She is beautiful in every ordinary way.
Her smile makes me tear up. I get sad thinking that all this will be over one day. This beautiful fucking life full of the deepest love from Dianne - the most beautiful being ever existed.
She smiles with her eyes. Her eyes give her away but only to me.
Her eyes. Those eyes. Those beautiful fucking eyes. They see me. I see her. They’re watching with love, care, and support. I’m crying just thinking about them. I fell in love with her because of those eyes. I said hi to her because of those eyes. I talked to a stranger in broad day light because of those eyes. Those smart piercing eyes. She just knows what you’re thinking even before you’re thinking it. She just knows. My wife knows me through her eyes. My wife talks with her eyes. My wife envelopes me with her eyes. I always want her eyes on me. I love it when she’s looking at me. I love it when I see her eyes. I love it when she smiles with her eyes. That’s when you know she’s smiling.
I get scared sometimes. I fear her eyes. I fear the wrath in her eyes. But her eyes lie sometimes. That’s not wrath. It’s not anger. It’s care. Her eyes believe in you. Her eyes know you have more in you. Here eyes are worried that you’ll get hurt but believes you can pull it off anyway. her eyes love you.
That’s your fear showing. The fear that she knows who you really are. Well she does. She’s seen the demons and loved them anyway. She knows the darkness and gave it light. Her eyes reflected light into my enter being. I became light from her eyes. from here eyes! She gave those demons love with those eyes. Her eyes showered the demons with love and care. Her eyes put the demons to sleep. Her eyes mothered them and played with them. Her eyes gave those demons food, clothes, a house, and a family. Her eyes gave those demons meaning to life. With just those fucking eyes. Just the eyes. Those beautiful fucking eyes. I’m crying again just thinking about those eyes. I love those eyes and they love me. I see it. I know it. I feel it. from her eyes.
Thank you God for her eyes.
But her eyes only capture a fraction of (.00000000000000000000000000001%) the beauty of my wife. We haven’t even explored the best parts about her.
We haven’t even talked about her voice.
Her voice, her voice made me believe in love. Her words melt me. Her words make me swoon. Her words send me to heaven. Her voice brings me to cosmic bliss.
The way she says my name. “Jaime”. She calls me “Jaime”. The world calls me “Jig”. My brothers call me “ahia”. My parents call me “Ahia”, “Jig”, and “Yixiang”. But Dianne, she calls me “Jaime”. She knows the full me - whatever word she uses to describe me, that’s me. She knows Jaime and Jig. She knows all the names I have for myself in my dreams. But when she says Jaime. She captures all of me with two syllables. One word. With one one word and her voice. She holds me. She makes me immortal with just her voice. Oh my god im so lucky. Her words melt me.
Her voice doesn’t need words to radiate me with kindness. Her laughter. Her snores. Her silent chuckles. Her coughs. I live for all of them
Her voice is a bene gesserit’s - it commands. Her voice never demands. Never asks. Never a tantrum. Her voice commands but only me. The frequency of her voice commands me.
If her eyes made me want to “say hi”. it’s her voice that made me tell her “I’m going to marry you. Papakasalan kita”on our first date.
I fear her voice. It’s royal. It’s a queen’s voice. She’s my queen. She is the queen. She made the King. She raised me. She made me. Just with that fucking voice.
Why’d she choose me? With her eyes and her voice?
I will never know. I’m not worthy of those eyes, and her voice. I try to be.
I try to be worthy so I can hear her tell me about her dreams last night. I try to be worthy so I can hear my name. so I can hear “Jaime”. I try to be worthy because I want to hear everything. I want to hear the sadness. I want to hear the happy. I want to hear the angry. I want to hear it all. I want the fucking mundane words of “can you get that for me?”. I don’t understand why people are so afraid of marriage. I worked my ass for years to get married so I could hear her everyday for the rest of my life. Why wouldn’t anyone want to give their all and chase after her eyes and her voice? I want to hear the boring. I want to hear that she’s asking me what to buy. I want to hear her say “Can we go here? Can we eat this? Can we afford it?”. I love hearing her say “thank you”. I love it when I hear her say “good morning” and get sad when she says “goodnight”. I want to hear her words. right now just thinking about it.
She’s asleep right now and I miss those words already. I just talked to her 30 minutes ago and I’m already crying because I miss her words. I want to wake her up right up now so I can show her what i wrote and hear her words. Will she understand? Will she know that this is just a fraction of my love for her? I’m worried she might not see my love with just these words. I’m worried I’ll hear it in her voice. I know i’ll melt anyways. I know she loves me anyway. I know It doesn’t matter. I just want her voice. Her words. Right now. Please. But I love her too much to wake her up. She’s hard at work. She’s building a family. She’s raising a king.
I want to talk to her but I want to listen. I want to listen. She taught me how to listen. She made me not want to hear my own voice anymore. I want her voice 247. I’m working really hard so I can live a life where I don’t need to sleep at 5am anymore so I can hear her voice more. I know this is the path to success. I know it. I see it. I heard it in her voice. her voice believes in me like no other voice. I need to do the impossible for her voice. I can do the impossible because of her voice.
that’s all i want in my life. her words with her voice with her eyes.
Her voice and her words. I dont care what she’s saying. I don’t care if her eyes are angry. It just needs to be hers.
I don’t care if people think I’m scared of my wife because I am. Why would I not be afraid to lose those eyes. to lose her voice. to lose her words. I can’t. I can’t. She is my life. My entire being. The reason why I wake up in the morning. The reason why I give my best. The reason for everything. The reason why this universe exists. The reason for all that is good.
I don’t care if people think I love my wife too much because it will never be enough. I’m not worthy. I never will be. But i’ll try cause I’m sisyphus with a smile and she’s my rock. she’s my fucking rock. and I love carrying this rock. I love rolling her up every morning and putting her to bed at night. I love starting all over every day. I love doing the work to make her fall in love with me each day. She’s my rock.
I have a big fucking smile right now while crying. People ask me why I always have a fucking smile on my face no matter the fucking situation. It’s because I love my fucking wife and she loves me. This smile makes the demons angry. This smile puts them at bay. This smile gives them good sleep. This fucking smile is all because of her eyes. her voice. her words.
I’m so thankful to the divine for her frequency. for letting me join her frequency.I want to tune in forever. I will. I already am. This is forever. Her words and mine intertwined. Her eyes and her voice is a long lost dream recovered.
To Dianne Ashley Tan Young,
i tried love. i really tried writing. It cant even capture a fraction of my love for you. but i wanted to try. i wanted to be worthy. I was afraid to try. You told me I could do it so I tried. I love you so much. I’m crying too much now. I’ll stop writing for now but I’ll never stop loving you.
I’ll write with my action and results.
I’ll write with my character and values.
I’ll write with my life.
I’ll write by loving you everyday until we die.
I like first the painting. The least feminine one. My wife is cool and collected. She’s smart and nuclear. She’s ready to drop the bombs with just her eyes. and just her voice.
P.S I spent 3 hours on the editing the song of the the first video. After I finished. I heard this song that helps express my love for you. It says I love my life in a river of grace. All I hear is I love my wife in a river of grace because my wife is my life and my life is my wife.